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The La^ Day at 
Center Ridge School 



By 

Annette L. Smith 



Price 35 Cents 



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SYRACUSE, N. Y. 



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Last Day at Center Ridge School. Novelty play in 2 
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Bugbee^s Popular Plays 

The La^ Day at 
Center Ridge School 



By 
Annette L. Smith 



Copyright, 1922, by WiUis N. Bugbee 



THE WILLIS N. BUGBEE CO. 

SYRACUSE. N. Y. 



.tp^^.-S^ 



The Last Day at Center Ridge School 



CHARACTERS 
Miss Lobelia Plant. A stem teacher but very nice to the masculine sex. 

SCHOLABS 

Dottie Lee Ivory Black 

Polly Anna Perley White (.colored) 

Portia Shakespeare Izzy Wright 

Juliet Shakespeare Bushby Bean 

Ophelia Shakespeare 

School Board 

Ezra Bigf eel The pompous Chairman 

Johnathan Wiggs An old farmer, always chewing 

Ichabod Sleeper Who "has nothing to say." 

Visitors 

Mr. Longly Words Professor of English and lover of the classics 

Miss Cleopatra Ca-say ..A temperamental prima donna 

Miss Hardy-Knox A disappointed old maid 

Mrs. Lima Bean Aunt of Bush Bean 

Time — Present. 

Place — A country milage. 

Time op Plating — About one and one-half hours. 



m 131922 

■ ©CLD C2b08 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Mr, Bigfeel, age about 35, well dressed but not too modern- 
Black mustache. Very pompous and big feeling. 

Mr. Sleeper, quite old — white wig and whiskers. Old frock coat, 
overalls and rubber boots. Speech very slow and hesitating. 

Mr. Wiggs, age about 45. Rather long hair, black beard, derby 
hat, cut-away coat and light pants. JoUy and loud in manner. 

Mr. Words, age about 40. Claw hammer coat, striped pants, 
high stiff collar, white spats and tall silk hat. Carries big book which 
he refers to frequently. Exceedingly precise and dignified. 

Miss Ca-say, elaborate dresa and hat, opera cloak, affected in 
manner. Young, 

Mrs. Lima Bean, about 60. Old fashioned coat and hat, wears 
shawl. Indignant. 

Miss Knox, about 45. Hair frizzled, outlandish dress and hat, 
can-ies fan. Caustic. 

Teacher, about 40. Full flounced skirt, tight waist, hair in tight 
pug at top of head and side curls over ears. Simpers at all the men. 

Dottie and Polly, about 8. Middy blouses and dark skirts. 

Ivory Black and Izzy Wright, about 10 and 14. Knee pants and 
full blouses. 

Perley White (colored), about 12. Old white shirt, long over- 
alls, rolled up, dirty white sneakers. Much in fear of teacher. 

BusHBY Bean, to be taken by tall lanky adult. Tight knee 
pants, blue waist, roll sailor collar, white Windsor tie, brown stock- 
ings, black shoes, bright red wig, face rouged on cheeks, left eye 
blackened. Dull and stupid. 

Portia, white waist, dark s'kirt, hair done in knot at neck, dig- 
nified character. 

Juliet, silly and gushing, white loase dress and blue sash, hair 
flowing. 

Ophelia, foolish, very short and fat, white waist, dress full, 
gathered in at neck, with sash tied higher than waist line. Dress 
held up by shoulder straps. Make very full and wear wide under- 
skirts to puff it out at bottom. Hair curled and flying loose. Chews 
gum all the time. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS 
(As seen from audience) 

Teacher's desk at center. Miss Knox sits at left behind desk. 
Teacher stands or sits next to her except when meeting visitors, etc. 
Miss Ca-say has chair at right side of desk. Mr. Words, at left 
side. School Board are seated at right of Miss C. Mrs. Bean has 
seat beyond the Board. Scholars are seated on left and stand in 
front of seats to recite. Bush Bean occupies front seat. 

If arranged in a half circle, all will face both school and audience. 



The Last Day at Center Ridge School 

ACT I 

Scene: A town or village hall. Teachbe is discovered at desk 
straightening up books, etc. 

(Enter Miss Haedt-Knox.) 

Miss Hardy Knox. Well, I suppose you'U think that I came 
awfully early but I had a chance to ride over from Pig Lane, so I 
came right along. Why, Lobelia Plant, you look clean tuckered out ! 

Tbacheb. I am terribly tired but this is the last day of school 
and I can rest up a bit now I hope. I always hate the closing day. 
All the parents come snooping around to try to pick flaws and the 
School Board sit aroimd and look wise. 

Miss Knox. Yes, old Mr. Wiggs wiU be chewing that endless 
cud of his and Mr. Sleeper will be taking a nap eyery fiye minutes. 
What they ever put those two old dummies on the Board for was 
more than I know. 

Teacher. Mr. Bigfeel is the only one that has an ounce of 
brains. I hope he don't trip my scholars up with any of his ques- 
tions. Some folks say he's a walking interrogation point. Well, it's 
one o'clock. I'll ring the bell. (Rings bell loudly.) 

(Scholars straggle in noisily and outy of order, smallest first, 
Btjsh Bean bringing up at the rear with a bouquet and apple for 
teacher. He rubs this to polish it. All sit. Teacher calls roll, each 
stands and says "Present." Teacher walks over to Bush^ takes side 
comb from own hair and fixes his. Also wipes his nose and cleans 
out one ear. Does not notice black eye.) 

Teacher (going back to desk). Now scholars, we wiU sing one 
verse of the Star Spangled Banner — All rise, please. (Begins) "Oh, 
aay— " 

(Enter Ophelia out of breath.) 

Teacher. Ophelia Shakespeare, couldn't you get here on time 
even the last day? And where is your little brother? 

Ophelia. Oh, teecher, he's awfully sick. 

Teacher. Sick? He was aU right this morning. What is the 
matter? 

Ophelia. Hamlet wanted an omlet for his dinner. And he went 
out and got some eggs that an old hen had been sitting on for more'n 
a week. My mother didn't know it an she cooked them. Now he's 
flapping his hands around just as if he was trying to fly and making 
a noise just like a chicken. And he can't stop neither. 

Teacher. Ophelia! The idea of such a thing. 

Ophelia. Honest, teecher, I ain't romancing. 

Teacher. I guess he'll be all right pretty soon. Now, scholars 
we will start again. Izzy, straighten up, you're humped over like an 
old man. Now — all together — ^keep in time — (beats time with ruler). 
Sing— 

All. "Oh, say, can you see — " 



THE LAST DAY AT CENTER RIDGE SCHOOL . 5 

(Enter Pebley White.) 

Teachee. Perley White, what do you mean by coming in as late 
aa this? 

Perley (scared). Mah mammy done made me late. 

Teacher (sternly). How waa that? 

Perley. She done said mah neck and years wuz dirty. . And she 
pooty near scrubbed the skin offen me. 

Teacher. Well, take your place. Now, I guess everyone is here 
at last. Once more. 1-2-3- (beating time). Sing. (False start, re- 
peat, all out of tune — Bush is half a line behind the rest. Izzy 
roars out a note here and there. Teacher ends line on wrong note. 
Gives it u-p at last in middle of verse.) Well, if we can't do any 
better than that I guess we'd better stop right here. (All sit.) 

(Enter Mr. Sleeper and Mr. Wiggs. Teacher greets them.) 

Teacher. How do you do Mr. Johnathan Wiggs. Glad to see 
you. Mr. Sleeper. Sit down. Where is Mr. Bigfeel? Surely he's 
coming? 

Mr. Wiggs. Oh, yes marm, he's comin'. At least he's on his 
way. That tin contrapshun that he calls his Lizzie has just coughed 
herself to death on Meeting House Hill, Hosees is good enuf fer us, 
hain't they, Ichabod? 

Miss Knox (aside to teacher). Ichabod — that means "the glory 
is departed." He looks it, don't he? 

Teacher (discovers Izzy eating cake). Izzy, what are you doing? 
Didn't you have your dinner? Put that down. 

Izzy (with mouth full and chewing fast). Am puttin' it down, 
fast as I can. 

(Enter Mr. Bigfeel.) 

Me. Bigfeel. Ah, I see I am late, am I not? Good afternoon, 
Lobelia. (Shakes hands with teacher who goes forward to meet 
him.) I suppose I should, to be correct, address you as Miss Lobelia 
— yes? Or Miss Plant perhaps? Miss Lobeha Plant, fine sensible 
name that, is it not? I was sorry to hear of the loss of our Center 
Ridge School house. Struck by lightning, did I hear? Ah, yes, I 
did. But the building was old and sadly in need of repairs. So you 
decided to use the Town HaU for the exercises. (Teacher offers him 
chair.) Many thanks, Mi^ Plant. 

Miss Knox (talking to teacher). His first name's "Ezra" and 
that means help. Exactly what I feel like yeUing every time I see 
him, 

Portia (talking to Juliet). Mamma says the reason Miss Knox 
is so down on Mr. Bigfeel is cause she tried to set her cap for him 
years ago and he wouldn't even look at her. 

Ophelia (butting in). I bet you Mr. Bigfeel is trying to get a 
crush on teacher. Did you see how long he held her hand? 

Juliet (gushingly). Oh, how rheumantic. Poor Miss Knox, 
Isn't it sad to have your Ufe busted all up like that? I hope nothing 
of the kind ever happens to me. When I get old enough to have a 
Romeo I'm going to spoon with him out of the winder just like they 
did in the play. I ain't got no balcony but I can nail a soap-box on 
just outside, and he can climb up the grape vine and I'll lean way 
out and talk to him. 



6 THE LAST DAY AT CENTER RIDGE SCHOOL 

Ophelia. You're clean daffy about fellers, Juliet. You can have 
Bush Bean for your Romeo, 

Juliet (pulling Ophelia's hair) . I should think you wanted him 
by the way you ran after him the other day. 

Ophelia. Oh, shut up. You wait till after school. 

Teacher (stops talking to Miss Knox about some papers she 
shows her). Girls, stop that whispering at once. 

(Enter Mr. Longly Words with big book under arm and large 
umbrella rolled loosely.) 

Mr. Words. The approximation of my corporosity on this aus- 
spicious and ceremonious occasion and the salubrious ephemeral 
meteorological phenomena induce within my cardiac region senti- 
ments of the most stupendous gratification. 

(Teacher looks puzzled at speech. Scholars with mouths wide 
oqien, staring. Mr. Wiggs leans over to look at him. Others be- 
wildered.) 

(Mr. Sleeper begins to yaivn. Some oj the scholars catch it. 
Te\cher places seat for Mr. Words at close of speech.) 

Mr. Wiggs (thunderstruck). Wal — say, them wuz some right 
sizable words you slung round here. I've had a tolerable mount of 
edecashun but I'm horn-swoggled if I know what you wuz talking 
about. And I'm a member of this skool bord and a selictman too, 
by gum, 

Mr. Words. Excuse me, Mr. Wiggs. Excuse me. (Bowing 
very low with hand on heart.) As a Professor of English and a 
great lover of the classical literature, I fear I have used the speech 
of an academician. Do excuse me. I was merely saying that it gave 
me great pleasure to be with you this afternoon. That was all. 

Mr. Wiggs (astonished). Wuz that all? Wal, I'll be dog-gomed. 
Would yer ever have thot it, Ichabod? 

Mr, Sleeper (rousing up and drawUng out), I — I ain't got 
nothin' ter say. 

(Enter Mrs. Lima Bean, umbrella in hand, ruffled up and indig- 
nant.) 

Mrs. Bean. Well, I did intend to get here earlier but I was 
waiting for my hens to lay me just one more egg cause I only needed 
that one to make a dozen. I thought being as how I was coming 
right down by Grey's store I could bring them along and get me a 
bottle of vanniller extract and some frosting sugar for a cake I had 
promised to bake for the Ladies' Circle. Then after waiting and 
making myself late and losing a ride inter the bargain, all I got was 
a soft shelled one. And I couldn't bring that seeing as how he won't 
take that kind. I don't know why he won't. I just as soon have 
a soft shelled egg as a hard one any day. They're just as good. 

Teacher. The exercises have not started yet, Mrs. Bean. Sit 
over here. (Seats her beside Mr. Sleeper,) 

Mrs, Bean (going toward seat but not sitting down). Thank 
you, but first I've got something on my mind that I've wanted to 
say to you for a long time. And I guess this is as good a chance aa 
any. I never was one to beat about the bush. 

Ivory Black (leaning over desk). Hey, Bush, is that right? 

Teacher. Ivory Black — ^be silent. 

Mrs, Bean. As I was saying, as the natural protector of my 



THE LAST DAY AT CENTER RIDGE SCHOOL 7 

husband's brother's dead boy, I aim to see he's treated fair. He 
hain't been in this school, for you've kept him in that second reader 
for almost two years. Do you aim to keep him there the rest of his 
natural hfe, Lobelia Plant? 

Teacher. I can't promote him if he don't learn, Mrs. Bean. 
Won't you sit down? 

Mrs. Bean. And another thing that riles me up is the way 
those big boys abuse the poor little chap. It's a shame. He comes 
home with his clothes all torn off his back, to say nothing of the 
bumps and bruises he gets. Yesterday he came home with that 
black eye. Just look at it. It's a sight. And when I asked him how 
he got it, he said that that big lummox of an Ophelia Shakespeare 
was trying to kiss him and he fell ovei' a rock trying to get away 
from lier. If the over-grown huzzy belonged to me I'd fix her. 

Ophelia (jumping up and pointing finger at Mrs. Bean). You 
just trj^- it. I dare you to touch me. My father would settle you 
pretty quick. 

Teacher. Ophelia, sit down and be quiet. No one is going to 
touch you while under my charge. (Black looks from Mrs. Bean 
to both.) 

Mrs. Bean. Pretty actions. I must say. But then you can't 
expect much of a child whose mother is always reading Shakespeare 
and claiming how they're descendants of his, while the sink is piled 
with dirty dishes. (Sits down.) 

Miss Knox (to teacher who has gone back to desk). Hal ha! ha! 
— did you hear what she said — her husband's brother's dead boy? 
That explains a number of things to me. I've often wondered what 
made him act so queer. And here he's been dead ever so long and 
never knew it. Ha! ha! ha! 

(Enter Cleopatra Ca-say — gushingly.) 
Miss C. Oh! I was so afraid I couldn't get here. Such roads! 
Nothing but dirt and gravel ones. Not a mecadam road for miles. 
My chauffeur nearly ditched the car coming across from Bow Lake 
Village. It was frightful! Stones the size of watermelons scattered 
all along. I feel all un-nerved from it. Really I do. I am afraid 
my voice is just ruined. I have to be so very careful, you know. 
But I am here. Just to think that I, Cleopatra Ca-say, used to 
attend Center Ridge School. 

Teacher (shaking hands and showing great pride in having her 
there). Yes, indeed, and now you are the Prima Donna of the Metro- 
politan Opera Company. It was so good of you to come, Miss Ca- 
say. Here's a comfortable seat. 

Miss Knox (in high mimicing voice). Cleopatra Ca-say. Oh 
piffle — I might swallow that if I hadn't set right behind her in school. 
Cleopatra Ca-say — in those days her name was Clara Casey. (Wise 
looks all around.) 

Ophelia (to scholars). She's jealous. Isn't Miss Ca-say a peach? 

Teacher. Mr. Bigfeel, will you examine the class in arithmetic? 

Mr. Bigfeel (rising). Indeed I will. Miss Lobelia. Young man, 

(pointing to Izzy who stands up) if I had fifty bushels of apples 

which I shipped to Boston at $2.00 per bushel how much money 

would I receive? 

IzzY (scratching his head and reckoning on fingers). $98.00. 



8 THE LAST DAY AT CENTER RIDGE SCHOOL 

Mr. Bigfeel. You had better figure that out again. 

IzzY. I don't have to. That's correct. 

Mr. Bigfeel. How can you be correct, young man? Fifty 
bushels at $2.00 per busshel? 

IzzY. Yes, but they wouldn't pay you for the bushel of rotten 
ones you'd stick in. 

Teacher {shocked). Izzy Wright! 

Mr. Wiggs (quickly). Coss he's right, I've bought tatera of 
him. I ought ter know. Haint I Ichabod? 

(Mr. Bigfeel sits down hastily.) 

Mr. Sleeper. I — ain't — got — nothin' — ter say. 

Teacher. Class in spelling next. Dottie, Polly Anna, Ivory 
Black, Perley White, Bushby Bean. (All come forward and line up 
in front of desks.) Polly Anna, spell principal and give us an illus- 
tration of what it means. 

Polly Anna. P-r-i-n- prin, c-i- ci, p-a-1- pal, principal (looks 
about and discovers the principal of the local school, gives his name.) 

Teacher. Now, Dottie Lee — comfortable. 

DoTTiE. C-o-m- com, f-o-r-t- fort, g-a-b-1-e, comfortable. 

Teacher. Why, Dottie, there isn't any sound of g in comfortable. 

Dottie. No marm, it's silent, same as in cow. 

Teacher. Perley — purity. 

Perley (shuffling his feet). P-u-r-i-t-e-y purity. I don't know 
what that is. 

Teacher. Why, of course you do. What is the snow? 

Perley (brightening up). White — same as me. 

Mr. Wiggs. Huh! You're black. 

Ivory (stepping toward him). No. I'm black. He's white. 

Mr. Wiggs. Wal, perhaps he is but he looks mighty black to me 
from over here. Don't you think so, Ichabod? 

Mr. Sleeper. Maybe, maybe, I ain't got nothin to say. 

Miss Knox. The poor old man. I guess he's right. Ever since 
he signed all his property over to that young wife of his I expect he 
hasn't had a chance to say nothing. 

Teacher. Bush! (Bush is gawping around.) Bushby Bean. 
Spell catastrophe and give the meaning. 

Bush (slowly — twisting about and shuffling his feet). Catas- 
trophe — c-a-t- cat, c-a-t- cat, o — 

Ophelia. If he don't hurry up that cat will die of old age. 

Teacher. Ophelia, be still. Now Bush, try once more. Catas- 
trophe, 

Bush. C-a-t- cat, r-a-s- ras, t-t-t- teecher, I can't spell it but I 
know what it means. 

Teacher. Well, tell us that then. 

Bush (with a grin at Mr. Bigfeel and a glance at his aunt who 
sits up and begins to act nervous). When they put Mr. Bigfeel in 
chairman of the School Board my aunt (Mrs. Bean half rises and 
shakes her head at him but he goes on) said it was nothing short of 
a catastrophe, (Mrs, Bean sits back and drops her head.) 

Mr. Wiggs. Haw! haw! haw! Ain't such a fool as he looka, 
hey Ichabod? 

Mr. Sleeper. I ain't got nothin ter say. 



THE LAST DAY AT CENTER RIDGE SCHOOL 9 

Teacher. The class may return to their seats. We will now have 
recess. 

{The scholars may file out and return at ringing of bell or if 
played where there is no stage may remain in seats and the orchestra 
or some instrumental music may be used to fill in between acts. 
Where curtain is used, have scholars and visitors in same positions 
at beginning of second act.) 

ACT II 

Scene: Same as in Act I. 

Teacher. Now, scholars, we are to have an unexpected treat. 
Miss Ca-say will sing for us. Miss Ca-say, if you will be so kind. 

(Miss Ca-say rises and goes to piano which may be placed in 
comer back of scholars facing toward audience. She sings a selection 
from some opera in either French or Italian.) 

Miss Ca-say (at close). How did you like that? That was one 
of my greatest successes of the season. 

Mr. Wiggs. Wal, marm, it seemed like it was a powerful lot of 
work but speaking for myself I'd ruther know what a person was 
singin' bout stead of that furrin sort of screechin'. Can't you sing 
"Be it ever so homely?" 

Miss Ca-say. Why, most assuredly, Mr. Wiggs. I should have 
known something simple would have suited you much better. 

(She sings "Home, Sweet Home." Mr. Words vripes his eyes, 
then draws out his handkerchief. Miss Knox begins to sniffle, then 
teacher, and finally all three are weeping. At close Miss Ca-say re- 
turns to seat. Mr. Longly Words rises and compliments her.) 

Mr. Words. Your meliflous and euphonious vocalization, Mia 
Ca-say, impinge upon my olfactory ganglia with the most exquisite 
sensations. 

Miss Ca-say. Thank you, Mr, Words. 

Mrs. Bean (to teacher). There, LobeHa Plant, that's what I 
call edecation. Here's you, a school teacher, going on twenty years 
and you can't get past words of more'n one sylable yet. No wonder 
Bush Bean don't larn nothin'. 

Teacher (angrily). If you'd furnish your Beans with brains I'd 
have a better show at it. I'll leave it to the School Board. Bush 
Bean, get your book and read the lesson on Page 17. Now do your 
very best, Bushby. 

Bush (rising, comes forward, twists and turns and wiggles as he 
reads). The — bottle — crawled — across — the road. 

Teacher. Bush, beetle — not bottle. 

Mr. Wiggs. Haw ! haw ! haw 1 That must have been before we 
had prohibition. Bottle crawled across the road. Haw! haw! haw! 

Teacher. Go on, Bushby — now be careful. 

Bush. A — mouse — grubbed — the b-b-b-bottle, (Pronounces 
MOUSB very loudly.) 

Mr. Words (jumping up and swinging his umbrella). What? 

Teacher. What? (Looks around to see what Mr. Words « 
trying to find.) 

Miss Knox. What— what is the matter, Mr. Words? 



10 THE LAST DAY AT CENTER RIDGE SCHOOL 

Mr. Words. A mouse! (With one foot on his chair and swing- 
ing umbrella.) 

(Teacher gives a squeal and tries to climb up on the same chair 
that Miss Knox has already mounted. Miss Knox fears the chair 
will break under the extra weight and pushes Lobelia down. She 
continues to put one foot on the seat and climb up.) 

All. Mouse! mouse! where? (Signs of uneasiness all over 
room.) 

Bush (grinning). I read bout one. Te! he! he! 

(Teacher and Miss Knox calm down. Mr. Words still looks 
about him under the seats, finally sitting doion also.) 

Teacher (angiily taking her spite out on Bush). You stupid 
boy — how many times must I tell you that beetle is the right word. 
And it was a moose, not a mouse. Grabbed — not grabbed. That 
will -do. I guess there's proof enough that he will have to stay in 
this reader a while longer. (Throws triumphant look at Mrs. Bean, 
who sits with lowered head, quite squelched.) Next, class in English. 
(Class consisting of Juliet, Portia and Ophelia, comes forward.) 
Mr. Longly Words, ■o'ill j-ou please hear this class? 

Mr. Words. Thank you, I shall be most delighted to do so. 
Portia, can you recite for me any passage from the character whose 
name you bear? (Consiilts book.) 

Portia. Yes, sir. "That light we see is burning in our haJl — 
(points to lamp) How far that little kerosene lamp throws his 
beams. So shines a good deed in this naughty town. So doth the 
greater glory dim the less." 

Mr. Words. Well, that's pretty fair, Portia, a few mistakes but 
very good. What can you repeat, Juliet? 

Juliet (advancing towards Mr. W. with arms outstretched — 
smiling tenderly). "Oh, Romeo, my Romeo, wherefore art thou 
Romeo? Goodnight— goodniaht — parting be such sweet sorrow, that 
I could saj' goodnight, till it be morrow." (Mr. Words retreats and 
and she follows him up till he bumps into Miss Knox, who in turn 
hitches back and pushes the Teacher. Mr. Words grabs umbrella 
and holds book in front of hi-iti.) 

Mr. Words. Very well done, Juliet, a little too much action per- 
haps but very good, very good. What was the fate of your name- 
sake? 

Juliet. She went and killed herself with some sort of bug-killer. 
She done it cause her folks was going to make her marry a French- 
man. 

Mr. Words (opening book and seaching through it). A French- 
man — ahem — a Frenchman? 

Juliet. Well, anyhow his name was Paris. 

Mr. Words. You should read that beautiful classic again and 
become more familiar with it. Young ladies, the fascination of poetry 
lies not only in the ability to deliver a correct rendition of the 
verse. It is immeasurably more. You must also possess an erudi- 
tion of its recondite meaning. Ophelia, what have you learned? 

Ophelia (stepping forward and gazing at ceiling). 



THE LAST DAY AT CENTER RIDGE SCHOOL 11 

"Where is the beauteous majesty of Denmark?" 

Then the Queen said {speaking in a sing song) : 

"He is dead and gone, lady, he is dead and gone, 
At his head a grass green turf, at his heels a stone. 
White is his shroud as the Green Mountain Snow, 
Garnished all with flowers, which bewept 
To his grave did go, with thunder-showers." 

Mr. Words (excitedly). No, no, my dear, (tenderly) "With true 
love showers." 

Ophelia (chewing gum). I don't know nothin' 'bout that kind. 

Mr, Words (shaking head). Dear mel Dear me! What hap- 
pened to Ophelia after her father's death? 

Ophelia. She went batty — (seeing him look puzzled and press 
his hand to forehead) — bughouse — the squirrels chased her — she was 
a nut — ain't you wise? 

Mr. Words (sinking into chair and fanning himself) . My word ! 
What language is that — English — dear me! I never found it in my 
encyclopedia. (Opens book and twns leaves rapidly.) 

Teacher. Take your seats. Dottie, what is it? 

Dotty (waving hand excitedly). I can speak a piece in English. 

Mr. Words (preparing for the worst). I should like to hear it. 

DOTTIE. 

The helk and the helephant hentered the hark. 

When the helements hopened the ball. 
Said the helk to the helephant, "What's to heat?" 

Said the helephant, "Ay, that's hall." 
Now the helk and the helephant ates their ay. 

Said the helk with a heloquent sigh, 
"I opes as you're appy this orrible day," 

And the helephant answered "I." 

Mr. Words (weakly, moping his brow). Thank you. (To him- 
self.) EngUsh — more English! My word ! my word ! 

Teacher. Ivory Black, show the visitors how well you can recite 
in Physiology. What is anatomy? 

Ivory. Anotomy is the human body. It consists of three parts, 
the head, the chest and the stummick. The head contains the eyes 
and brains, if any; the chest contains the lungs and a piece of the 
liver. The stummick is devoted to the bowels of which there are 
five; — A, B, I, o, u, and som times w and y. 

Teacher. You may sit down. Perley White, what can you tell 
us about Plymouth Rock? 

Perley. Dere's three kinds — ^red, white and barred. Mah 
mammy done says dey's de best hens she ebber saw if dey wouldn't 
sot so much. 

Teacher, I referred to quite another thing. That will do. Izzy 
Wright, recite the speech of John Adams. 

Izzy (very fast). Live or die — survive or perish — 

Teacher. You have left something out, 

Izzy, Did I forget to sink or swim? 

Teacher. Begin again. 



12 THE LAST DAY AT CENTER RIDGE SCHOOL . 

IzzY. I know when I learned to swim I was always sinking, and 
'fore I got so I could swim I thought sure I would perish. 

Teacher. Izzy Wright, we care nothing about your troubles in 
mastering the art of swimming. I said begin again. 

Izzy {slowly without any stop between sentences). Sink or 
swim,, live or die, — no, survive or perish I give my hands and my 
hearts to this vote. That was Woman's Suffrage, wasn't it teacher? 

Teacher. No, they had never heard of Woman Suffrage in 
those days. 

Mr. Wiggs. 'Twould be a mighty good thing, by gosh, if they 
hadn't now. 

Miss Knox. Woman is the equal and ten times out of nine the 
superior of any man. {Throwing a hard look at Wiggs.) 

Teacher. Izzy, go on. 

Izzy. It is true in the beginning we aimed not at impudence — 

Teacher. Not impudence — independence. You had better sit 
down. 

Mr. Wiggs. He don't need to aim at impudence — he just nat- 
urally hits it without. Ain't that right, Ichabod? 

Mr. Sleeper. Well-I-I-oh, I ain't got nothin' to say. {Slumps 
down in seat.) 

Teacher. Now that's about all so far as the regular studies are 
. concerned. We've got some pieces and songs that we've learned 
specially for the occasion. PoUy Anna, you may play your piano 
iolo now. 

(Polly goes to piano, begins, makes mistake and stops.) 

Teacher. PoUy Anna, wasn't that a discord? 

Polly. No marm, that was an accidental. My finger shpped. 
{She plays it through and returns to seat.) 

Teacher. Ivory Black, please recite your piece. 

Ivory. I lost my piece, teacher, and I can't say it without the 
paper but I can tell a stor}^ 

Teacher. Very well, let us hear it. 

Ivory. Last spring Charlie Brown {any local name) had a man 
coming from Boston to see "him about some lumber. The weather 
got awful bad and it rained and a big thaw came on. So much ice 
came down the river it carried a bridge away and the trains couldn't 
run. So the man telegraphed Charlie — "Washout on line — can't 
come." Charlie wanted to see him right away so he telegraphed 
back, "Buy another shirt and come on next train." Te I he ! he ! 

Mr. Wiggs. Haw! haw! haw! Can ye beat that now? Smart 
boy, hey Ichabod? 

Mr. Sleeper {waking up). No, my love, I ain't got nothin' to 
say. {Discovers he is not at home and acts embarrassed.) 

Miss Knox {indignantly) . I don't believe a word of it. Charlie 
Brown is just as generous as he can be and with all them shirts in 
his store he'd just sent him one parcel post instead of teUing him 
to buy one. Don't believe a single word of it. 

Bush. Teacher, can I tell one, too. 

Teacher. No, you can't — ^you're going to help the others sing 
that song. 

Bush. Shucks! I never can do what I want to. I don't like to 
sing with that old Phelia Shakespeare. 



THE LAST DAY AT CENTER RIDGE SCHOOL 13 

Teacher. You don't have to stand next to her — you stand be- 
side of Perley. Come now — already! 

(Polly, Ophelia, Perley and Bushby may sing "The Rheu- 
matiz," using canes and acting out the song. Laughter and com- 
ments by visitors.) 

Teacher. Dottie Lee, you may recite your piece now. (She 
may recite "When the Teacher Gets Cross," or any other good reci- 
tation as desired.) 

Teacher. You may speak yours next, Juliet. ("Watching the 
sparking" is suggested as a good number.) 

Teacher, Next we will have a duet by Izzy Wright and Portia 
Shakespeare. Sing it up good and loud. 

Portia and Izzy. Yes, marm. {They may sing "Sally and Si at 
the Circus.") 

Mr. Wiggs. Hawl haw! haw! They did "dew it" purty shck, 
didn't they? Haw! haw! 

(Additional songs and recitations may be introduced to make the 
program, longer if desired. See page 15.) 

Teacher. Now the children have all spoken their pieces and 
sung their songs except the closing song but before we do that we 
would like to hear a few words from the school board. Mr. Bigfeel, 
as chairman, I will caU on you first. 

Mr. Bigfeel. Well, Miss Lobelia, I really had no speech pre- 
pared worthy of the assemblage here. I have greatly enjoyed the 
exercises. Ah yes, I have, but I will not take any more of your 
valuable time. Let us hear from some of the rest, Mi^ Lobelia. 

Teacher. Mr. Sleeper, may we hear from you? 

Mr. Sleeper (rubbing his eyes and blinking) . Now, Miss Lobely, 
I feel — I feel — (yawns) 1 — I ain't got nothin' ter say. (sits down.) 

Teacher. Mr. Wiggs — we'd like to hear from you. 

Mr. Wiggs (getting up and rem,oving his cud). Wal, it's just 
hke this, Miss Lobely, I had an all-fired good speech all made up 
concerning our cistern of edecashun of the rising generashun but this 
here professor's knocked it plumb out'n my head, soon's he begun 
spouting off those big words of his'n. (Mr. Words listens with a 
puzzled look — grabs book and turns rapidly through to a page where 
he stops and reads it with nose close to book.) But I du want ter 
tell yer that I think that you've made a mighty good showing with 
the material you've had ter work with. Coss the school bord has 
got ter take that inter considyrashun. Now there's Bush Bean, fer 
instance, there nary was a teacher what ever could lam none of them 
Beans anything. None of them ever knew nothin'. Cause they didn't 
have any brains. 

Mrs. Lima Bean (jumping up and glaring at Wiggs). See 
here, Johnathan Wiggs. I'll have you understand there ain't no 
bigger shortage in my family then there is in yours. Your grandthur 
was a plumb ijiot and your own mother died of softnin' of the 
brains. 

Mr, Wiggs. Wal, that showed she had some brains ter git soft, 
didn't it? Yer father was so blamed thick he died of hardnin' of 
the arteries. 

Teacher (stepping forward). Mrs. Bean — Mr. Wiggs — please 



14 THE LAST DAY AT CENTER RIDGE SCHOOL 

don't talk like that right before all these people. {Both sit down, 
still glaring at each other.) 

Miss Knox. Thank goodness you headed them off, Lobelia. I 
thought we was going to hear their family histories back for a hun- 
dred years. 

Teachek. Miss Knox, would you like to speak to the scholars? 

Miss Knox. Who? Me? My soul, no. I never speak to one 
of the sassy brats if I can help it. Besides I think there's been 
enough speaking done already. 

Teachee. Miss Ca-say? (Miss Ca-sat shakes head and mur- 
murs "No, thank you.") Mr Words? 

Mr. Words (bounng to Miss Knox, who smirks back). I quite 
agree with Miss Knox. 

Teacher. We will conclude our exercises by singing the school 
song. 

Ophelia {to Mr. Words). It was rotten and decomposed by our 
teacher. (Mr. Words grabs book and opens it again, holding on to 
nose.) 

Teacher. Be still, Ophelia. She means written and composed, 
Mr. Words. 

{She passes copies of song to visitors, All sing.) 

School Song 

{Tune, "Auld Lang Syne.) 

Oh teacher, scholars, now must we 

Bid each a fond farewell. 
Because we shall not meet again 

Before the opening bell — 
That brazen bell that calls us from 

Our frolic and our fun 
And keeps us working at our tasks 
! Until school days are done. 

Good-bye, dear teacher, much we hope 

You'll be with us once more 
Because you are not near so cross 

As the one we had before. 
' We hope the School Board wiU excuse 

What errors they have seen 
For we are really quite smart folks. 

Except poor Bushby Bean. 

Dear friends and neighbors, we must now 

Bid you a fond adieu; 
The parting gives us great regret 

Although our tears are few. 
So good-bye, Black and White and Wright, 

All scholars, big and small— ^ 
A fond farewell to every one 

Assembled in this hall. 

{At close of song all sit down.) ; 



THE LAST DAY AT CENTER RIDGE SCHOOL 15 

Teacher. I hope we shall meet again this fall, children. Be 
very good boys and girls till then and don't forget your studies. Now 
pick up all your books and other articles and pass out quietly. 

{All leave noisily. Bush Bean brings up at the rear and when 
passing desk he grabs bouquet and apple and refuses to say good-bye 
as ihe others have done. Visitors leave, Me. Bigfeel first, then Mrs. 
Bean sweeps out, head in air without speaking to Lobelia. Miss 
Knox goes next, then Miss Ca-say and Mr. Words. Mr. Sleeper 
is asleep in chair. Teacher picks up some books, packs a bag and 
starts out. When almost out Mr. Sleeper snores and Lobelia turns 
back, sees him,, goes and shakes him. Mr. S. wakes, looks about rather 
surprised and Lobelia leads him out.) 

Curtain 
SUGGESTED SONGS AND RECITATIONS 

The Rheumatiz (song) $ .35 

Sally and Si at the Circus (duet) 25 

When the Teacher Gets Cross (in "Humor Up-To-Date) .40 

Watching the Sparking (One Hundred Choice Selections) .40 

Soap (song or musical reading for boy) 30 

When We Haven't Said Our Prayers (musical reading) .50 

Humor Up-To-Date .40 

Humorous Recitations .35 



THE BUGBEE ENTERTAINMENTS 

ARE FAVORITES EVERYWHERE 



Billy's Aunt Jane. Comedy in 3 acts by Willis N. Bugbee. 
For school or community. Good darkey character. 8m., 7f. 
Time, li/^ to 2 hours. 35 cents. 

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Hiram and the Peddlers. A farce in 1 act. The climax 
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Graduation at Gay vi lie. A play for grammar grades. 6m., 
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Pretty Pageants for Young Folks. These pageants are not 
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35 cents. 

Commencement Treasury. Brimful of helpful material for 
the high school graduate. Salutatories, valedictories, pro- 
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THE WILLIS N. BUGBEE CO., SYRACUSE, N. Y. 



THE BUGBEE ENTER! 00174014012 

ARE FAVORITES EVERYWHERE 



The Bughee Song Novelties 

Sparkin' Peggy Jane. A novelty acting duet for young 
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Here's a Song to You, Old School. A splendid new school 
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Sally and Si at the Circus. A duet for two country lovers 
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Little Washerwomen, The. An action song for little ladies 
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When Santa Had the Rheumatiz. How dreadful it would 
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THE WILLIS N. BUGBEE CO., SYRACUSE, N. Y. 



